Write you to stay

Sigh.

2012-02-22T00:15:00.001+08:00

I'm a terrible friend. *slaps*

2012-01-30T00:42:00.002+08:00

Weird how my skin suddenly became super sensitive to Oxy5. I used to be able to use it without any problem but now the cream makes my skin crack and peel. Works on the pimple though.

I miss you!

2012-01-23T21:26:00.002+08:00

I've had enough.

2012-01-13T13:56:00.001+08:00

A poker face. That's all I'll ever need.

2012-01-09T13:00:00.002+08:00

I have a strange urge to punch anything that's made of glass.

Old stuff

2012-01-05T02:51:00.000+08:00

I dug up tons of old stuff but this I found particularly hilarious... my sec 2 photo. LOL.

I cut one out to use in the school's report book.
Now isn't it strange to have the last 2 templates for school photos?!
"Thinking of you"?! and the Queen card?

I hope you enjoy looking at my round fat face okay... yup that was me years ago. How time flies...
Check out the council tie :D

2011-12-27T14:43:00.001+08:00

I really want to quit school. Mediocrity is not acceptable.

Pout

2011-12-15T00:36:00.000+08:00

If you're wondering why I'm doing this pout all the time it's because my face becomes slimmer when I do that. Heh. Forgive me.

Impatient

2011-11-24T21:35:00.002+08:00

Seriously Mum I love you

I edited this post because someone told me it was really rude. And yes after i read it again i can't believe i would post such a thing. So, this is my
Sorry. Its really rude and ungrateful. Thus the edit. Shows u what anger can do, eh?

Sorry Mum.

The importance of punctuation

2011-11-18T10:58:00.001+08:00

I can't stress this enough. Especially since it can change the meaning of a sentence and its tone entirely. Also important to note since we are born in the digital age, almost like n% of communication takes place online, without any face-to-face/verbal contact. I decided to post about this because I am extra sensitive to how people talk to me online. I personally have misinterpreted others' meaning/tone online and I daresay almost everyone who uses the internet should be susceptible to this. What I've also realised is that this is largely due to punctuation. It's true! You'll soon see what I mean. But to start this post off, I'll show you something that my English teacher has once tried on us and this says a lot about the importance of punctuation. I also know about the "I helped my uncle jack off a horse" and "I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse thing".

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is nothing.”

Okay. hmm, how do I begin?
Let's say you're talking to someone on MSN (does anyone still use MSN now? I know I always go online just in case someone needs to find me.)

Grey: hey do you know whether we need to do the tutorial tomorrow?
Black: I'll check.
Grey: okay, thanks! :)
Black: No problem.

as opposed to

Grey: hey do you know whether we need to do the tutorial tomorrow?
Black: I'll check
Grey: okay, thanks! :)
Black: No problem!

See, even though the punctuation just differs by a exclamation mark and a full stop, the tone changes drastically. At least for me! In the first scenario the Black borders on hostile but the second one somehow is slightly friendlier. Maybe the content of the conversation isn't sufficient/strong enough to prove my point, but perhaps you've encountered people like in the first scenario. Don't blame them though, because maybe they just want to type like they talk, in perfect English (with punctuations and everything). I know that its fine to type like that, but if I did that I would end my sentences with a lot of emoticons to make sure the other party doesn't think I don't want to talk to him/her.

That's one case. This second case that I present features punctuation used but maybe wrongly? (Personal opinion here, don't chase me with label that says 'punctuation ninja' please.) This second scenario is actually a personal experience, I'm not at liberty to name real names.

Camel: Is it me or is it unusually quiet for CCN day?
Pretty: CCN day starts at 12?
Camel: oh okay! didn't know :(

I know for a fact that 'Pretty' is a very nice girl and that she wouldn't speak in a condescending manner, like I felt the statement was. See, maybe its better to read what you type so people won't misinterpret. I think this kinda thing has caused many seeds of bitterness/anger to be sown (worse is when they don't talk about it). Okay okay I know you're thinking warau why this girl so sensitive - and to that I say I can't help it okay :(

What do you guys think?

Insecure.

2011-11-15T01:40:00.003+08:00

I'm selfish AND greedy.

Maybe, just maybe, you'll be happier with her. After all, she's not as immature or uncool or unbeautiful as I am. I can't help but feel she's a better fit for you.

It's all my fault.

#121489

2011-11-14T00:56:00.003+08:00

Hey~

Yours took a little longer to write because there was more to think about... after all, we've known each other for a while now.

The first word that comes into my mind when I think about you is rich. Weird? I don't know why. You seem to always be able to afford nice clothes and shoes and other things, I want them too... maybe that's why. I also think you are part random and part crazy. Haha in a good way of course! And smart! I don't understand why you always say you're not. Don't play down your brain, man. You're good at the subjects I'm not and I'm envious for that... sigh.
And by the way why are you shy about this?! There's nothing to be shy about, only a few people read my blog so yeah if you're worried about that...

Oh man you won't believe who just popped into my head as I was typing this... A... HAHAHAHAHAH maybe now got more already? ROFL

To be honest, I used to be a little intimidated by you~ I don't know why but there always seems to be some misunderstanding that will occur and that's not very nice... But yeah that was the past and now I'm just really, really enjoying and feeling thankful for the support that you give me (like when I''m emo) and its that distant-but-you-know-is-within-reach kind of affection that I get from you. Which is never a bad thing :)

Anyway it's impossible to sum everything we've been through into a blog post but I am glad we pulled through and are friends now. :) Let us continue to treasure every memory together. And because you're special I prepared something a little different for you.... I hope you like it because it is a display of my friendship to you, in a certain sense. B even asked me why I'm doing this for you LOL but yeah, its also for all my readers but I'm dedicating it to you...

hehe ///^___^//// hug

here is the thing you all waited for.

and in the end I uploaded it on YT because FB and PB took 15 mins-1/2 hr for 1% and it was driving me crazy.
To skip the talking go to 5:00 (yes I talked for 5 minutes) LOL
O and sorry its #121489 not #171489 :( it was 2am and I was so tired :( My eyes must have seen it wrongly!!!

///

after I rewatch my video I realised my guitar skillz are rly non-existent the pauses are so awkward LOL

2011-11-10T00:49:00.002+08:00

#121489 is special, that's why its taking so long. Wait patiently for it... :)

2011-10-27T14:03:00.001+08:00

I've been thinking that recently, I am really not living up to my maximum prettiness. Does that make sense? Because all I've been doing is not caring about what I wear as long as it's comfortable, not bothering to learn to apply makeup because I'm very lazy to put it on every time I leave the house. Oh, don't even get me started on the hair.

I'm such a dork and I know I complained about this possibly 23749173 times already that I'm not pretty enough and surely there'll be people who tell me natural, fresh-faced beauty is the best. Okay that may be true but the problem is that I'm not a fresh-faced beauty (my face is pimply and I have a lot of blackheads which I do nothing about, plus do you even want to know about the eyebags?) so I've been wondering if I should break out of my ugly otaku look and finally begin to make an effort to look prettier. I also know (or maybe feel) that out of all the guys that claim natural beauty is the most attractive, 90% of them would rather go out with a girl who looks like this....

.
.
.
.

Rather than this...

.
.
.
.

Okay and I picked my best photo without makeup ever. And in case you think my eye is extra shiny I was wearing Bausch and Lomb's monthly colorless contact lenses... (do those count?) I didn't pick my facebook ones because you got see before then maybe you sian of my face there PLUS the nicest photos I have of myself there cannot even see my face, just side profiles or top profiles. LOL #sadlife (but anyway as I was typing this I uploaded this photo to my Facebook)

I keep whining about how bothersome it is but in the end I wonder 'why didn't I try earlier?'

I don't blame anyone though... If it were me, I'd pick Atom (that's her real name) over myself. Wait whut

....

But seriously though. I did buy some makeup products recently but prettify-ing yourself can be so expensive. Plus painful. My mother says I have to get my eyebrows done soon and I totally agree but they hurt :(

Okay I'll tell you the truth now. I tried putting makeup on myself before but its so badly done because I ended up looking like a tranny. Look at SSM for example. You will mistake me for a guy because I just can't look good with my hair all off my face.

ITS NOT FUNNY!!! STOP LAUGHING!!
I know I look like Nigel (circled in orange) and perhaps he looks prettier than me.Then you look at the rest of the girls, at least you can distinguish them as girls!!! I can't even tell if I'm a guy or girl in the picture!

My daddy even asked me if I wanted to go for some make up classes. I didn't know exactly how to interpret his suggestion but oh well... (I said no btw.) I guess this kind of maturity and learning can only come with age? No?

Anyway, I'll try to be prettier, but as long as I'm happy and loved, its okay right? I have a wonderful Father up there who loves me no matter what I look like, and that is the greatest assurance ever.

I'm such a dork.

Anyway yup, blogging in bed again. No school on a thursday woohoo! (But that's just cos on the first day of school there's no tutorial.)

PS. I've been receiving negative feedback regarding me in centre parting... anyone has any opinions?

xoxo G

#1104701

2011-10-19T13:17:00.000+08:00

LOL I totally didn't expect you to do this thing and humor me. Okay where do I start... You're very cute, plus very likable! hehe (x^__^x) And you can totally do the korean bun updo, I actually think its one of my favourite pictures in your Profile Pictures. Very jealous you know!

I am very very flattered that you read my blog, because I never thought that anyone would bother to other than #7439483. I also think that your boyfriend is a very blessed guy! ^^v And anyway, don't tell him I say one but he's getting fat. HAHAHA I hope you don't get offended okay! Just don't want a pretty, petite girl like you get overwhelmed by him!!!! LOL! Anyway if you're constantly broke (like I am) a good date idea is to go hike at Bukit Timah!! I know it doesn't sound very... um... romantic but you know there's something about sweating it out with him that makes the experience very fresh. It's just an idea, cos' I tried it and its one of my most memorable dates yet... Oh and for food just pack a few stuff in, maybe you could like ask him to make a surprise meal for you and you do the same. But I have to warn you the peak sucks, it's actually nothing special! When I climbed up I was like "what. the. This is the peak?!" But we stopped to rest at a gazebo uphill so we had our picnic there. (oh man am I talking too much about myself?) Mm yup why am I ranting? *smacks head*

On a more serious note, I saw your... brother's posts on your wall. Plus your posts on your blog... Cause for concern indeed. But yeah continue to keep him in prayer okay!

I also love to eat! HAHAHAHH YAAAAAAAAOOOOOYYYY /*hi-five*
Mm, anyway you're my favourite junior! Yup. (Maybe that's because *psst, shh* I don't really know many juniors and... (not proud to admit) that I'm not interested in ~~half~~ ~~3/4~~ 95% of them. So yeah can ask me for anything... within my power, that is. See you around in school! Must wave to me ok.

xoxo Grace

#7439483

2011-10-13T19:19:00.003+08:00

I knew you were my only reader. I love you. Enough said.

Fun?

2011-10-11T00:28:00.001+08:00

I saw this 'game' on Facebook and I think its pretty cool so I wanna open it up to my readers.
Basically all you have to do is to personal message me a number (on Facebook) and I'll write something about you. No one else will know because well, its personal messaging. Haha. Please give an original number, like 25796 for example? So two people won't have the same number.

I'll post here though, instead of on Facebook. If you're interested in trying this please go ahead! I'll (saying it again) put my reply here.
This is because I don't want to spam Facebook posts and its just really uncool when people do that :/

2011-10-08T00:38:00.005+08:00

I gave Jane this lesson today, and I need to practice it myself. Breathe, girl. Breathe.
From where did this anger surface, I wonder?

The Amanda Knox case

2011-10-04T23:27:00.000+08:00

I don't know if its just my feelings for the family that come through in my passionate response with regards to this case. I don't see what people see and I don't seem to be able put why I feel that the verdict passed wasn't fair.

I don't exactly know what happened there and sometimes the media doesn't speak the truth. I don't know.
Its just I don't think that she should die like that, you know? Even if Amanda served 4 years, what happened in between? I hope they were investigating for the truth.

eeeeeeeeeee

2011-10-01T17:04:00.001+08:00

Its 4 in the afternoon and I'm still in bed and my pyjamas. Joy.

sentosa

2011-10-01T16:38:00.000+08:00

On the tram to Sentosa

Siloso Beach! It's been a while since I've been in the sun and sand. That day I didn't bring any change of underwear so I didn't go into the sea.

Lookin' fine

They asked me why I was dressed so... hmm... inappropriately for the beach? I felt it was fine though, very fluttery. Hah.
anyway, love you girls!

I always love how she does her hair! She did this herself.

This girl refuses to admit /doesn't know that she has a beautiful smile~~

One of my favourite pictures for the day. I don't know why, I love this pic!

The extra at the back booooo otherwise it would have been a very nice picture.

Me looking like.... a joke. LOL

Black - Shanice Jie, Light Blue - Biew Jie, Pink - meeee, Dark Blue - Setho, Purple - Shi Pei

I really like this picture too!!!! Jiale's naturally mussed up hairdo is great!

This picture always has the feel that she's been hit on by some random guy going "hey, what's your number baby?" And she's going like "No I'm not going to give it to you!" It must be because of the hand + her facial expression. I wouldn't be surprised if it really happened though, cos' she's so pretty.

This picture had the potential to be nice if the shirt hadn't been folded up like that so it can cover my tummy properly. :( its a cool pix nonetheless! cos' I'm in it. LOL keeding

Cute LOL

They were very amused by the fact that I can't reach Jie's neck. Hmph /tosses hair

BJ's attempt at Fabian's signature smile

Jie made my day by saying this picture could go for Siloso Beach advertisements. :) I love how athletic I think I look here. HAHA how far from the truth thats why I so happy

And thus ends Sentosa's post.
Contrary to what some of you may think, I didn't get an ugly tan because of what I was wearing. In fact, it didn't seem like I tanned at all, which is strange but true because there were no parts under clothing that were whiter than those exposed.

Anyway, its the Teo Heng post next! I decided to blog about these two events (briefly) because I figured my blog could do with more pictures to entertain my one or two readers.

Ciao! xoxo

Rage issues

2011-09-29T00:49:00.000+08:00

I've always known I'm a sore loser but I never knew it was this bad.
So I've been playing this game called Miscrits and I just lost one battle (its a little like Pokemon) and I just blew up.
What's with that?

Photobomb

2011-09-27T22:44:00.002+08:00

For my (non-existent) readers, thank you.

I'm working out recently... :) Or at least trying to. LOL

When I feel ugly...

2011-09-10T13:01:00.000+08:00

It's okay because I know of the existence of perfect love.

I love you, and if you can always, as it were, feel My pulse beat, you will receive insight that will give you sustaining strength.

I've never heard of anyone who will bear my pain, and someone who thinks I'm the most beautiful in the world, even if I'm not.

2011-08-31T12:04:00.002+08:00

Feeling depressed about myself again, but listening to 2NE1 makes me feel a lot better.
Stalking pretty girls... I don't want to look at myself in the mirror again.

I'm scared, but it'd be okay.... right?

2011-08-31T01:35:00.000+08:00

My grades this semester are not what I expected... I didn't do as well as I wanted to. :( But there's always the next two semesters, so I (hope) will study very hard, bravely and proudly when the time comes again, so I can do everyone around me very proud.

Grandma's birthday just passed. She's so cute, wanting the dinner to be at a humble kopitiam. I mean, if I
were her, I would totally ask for a restaurant. Okay this picture not very nice but (can you believe it? sigh.) its the nicest I have on that day.

The measuring tape looks like pink hair, huh? I wanted to shop online, thus the tape. Heh.

Always keep the faith....

2011-08-25T02:17:00.000+08:00

I'd like to know, no matter what happens, God is there with me. And that my heart will be completely at peace, still before Him.

The faith that will not waver, the faith that is as small as a mustard seed, will move a mountain.

But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

James 1:6

I will not doubt that with God's strength, I will perfom the difficult and glorify and honour Him with my grades. Wait for me.

Short update

2011-08-24T00:59:00.000+08:00

Guess I missed the way I used to blog here - a picture to start y'all off. Anyway yes I look like that now trying to study (but obviously I'm failing by the fact that I'm blogging now).

I just wanted to say Hi to whoever soul still thinks or *gasps* read my blog because I'm pretty sure my blog readership is zero. Oh wait, one. Me???? HAHA no really. I'm not being sarcastic.

I DO want to know who reads my blog, but no one would tell me. And I removed Cbox because the spammers were getting crazy.

2 weeks seems like 2 months.

2011-08-13T01:06:00.002+08:00

Is that an exaggeration? Because the sense of dread that I carry when facing these 2 upcoming weeks seem like it.
It has been really tough these 6 months. But then again, who am I to complain? I think about those starving in Africa, (reading the news about the famine in Somalia... ): ) and those with ailments and I chide myself for lamenting my worldly pains.
SSM is really taking its toll on me and I predict the feeling of relief a fortnight later will be beyond words. All the subjects I'm taking currently are nasty, plus the fact that I have lost interest in school, am floating around in a daze (quoted from a classmate) and the severe lack of sleep makes me believe that the damage that I have done to my GPA this semester will be irreversible and beyond repair. And then again I ask myself, WTF?! (that means Where's The Faith, by the way)
I have a sneaky feeling that he is indirectly responsible for my behaviour. The small voice is never wrong. On many occasions recently I have ignored the small voice and the guilt hits me like a wave. People have been encouraging me, going "It will get better..." but the pessimist in me always retorts "I've been thinking that every day this semester and it didn't". Which is kind of true, but if I think about it what 33 Miles sang about was even truer.

how you see your circumstance is all about a choice ~

So I can say that I'm seeing my life through a muddy filter where only the faintest glimmer of light shines through. Which leads to my depressed, frustrated soul and my subsequent actions.

Honestly, I am afraid. I am a weak, timid person that aims to please and in the process I make myself pretty miserable. I am afraid of getting scolded, I am afraid of rejection from peers, I am easily hurt and all these weaknesses that make me wonder if I'm suffering from some pyschological disease. (sadly, no.) I'm encouraged that someone feels the same way though, as I have read on a online forum that there IS someone out there who is, or did went through the same thing I'm going through today.

But well, to sum it up, my life really sucks right now. I just feel like I need to find God again. He's been virtually non-existent these 6 months and really, I see the effects of living without Him breathing into my life.

Sorry I strayed away.

2011-06-30T13:23:00.001+08:00

Waiting here patiently, just to hear Your still small voice again.

Testimony

2011-06-06T13:25:00.000+08:00

Sieving through the documents I have in my laptop. I found this. I remember this time as the pinnacle moment where I found God.

Testimony

I came to camp with a moderate thirst for God. We all were given this file containing devotionals which Esther kindly provided for us at the beginning of the camp, which I read on the first day, all three pages. A part with really intrigued and fascinated me was where ALL of them talked about hungering for Jesus and God. I reflected that I never really felt an overwhelming passion for Him and I very much wanted to feel that fire burning in me.

So the consecutive days in camp, the next two days, during our quiet time and in flashes in time I would pray silently to ask Him to help me be hungrier. It’s kind of weird that I would pray to God for passion for God, but still.

Then Pastor Joshua, on his second day with us, challenged us to something quite extraordinary, to me way more than the time Pastor Elizabeth (was it?) asked us to speak in tongues when we have never, never spoke gibberish in our lives. When he mentioned about inviting God in I went “oh, wow, really?” with obvious scepticism. It seemed a little too surreal to me. Like role-playing, what we did in theatres and plays. But still, I wanted to feel God’s presence, as it were.

I thought that feeling His presence was something more special than feeling cold in the Youth room. Like a shift in the atmosphere and sudden stiffness, the kind of reaction we get when someone important or royal enters the room. But I felt nothing. I just waited for something to happen, for an invisible hand to touch me, to feel someone in front of me, anything. But I heard silence and saw black beneath my eyelids. I heard people sniffling and I got angry. Why doesn’t God want to talk to me? Why others but not me? Did I not pray and ask for hunger?

Despite so many questions, my only reaction was to pray. Again and again. The prayer had no end. Even when the Pastor Joshua started singing my prayer repeated, “God, please come, I want you here, let me feel you, please,” Like I was begging. Until the song ended, the string of words to my prayer never stopped. I just yearned for Him to make me cry like the rest were. I wanted to feel Him like the rest. I wanted God.

To the last second when the song ended, I still felt nothing. Absolute silence from God. Then in that fleeting moment after the song stopped and Pastor Joshua started addressing us again, it hit me that God HAD answered my prayers. Hit me like a brick wall!

All I had been doing since that activity started… was just wanting Him. Feeling a desperate hunger. What I wanted from God.

2011-06-01T04:00:00.000+08:00

God spoke to me today.
While I was blogging on my second blog, suddenly He said "Remember Peter, Grace? He sank because he was afraid."
So I went to Google the story... and I understand what He's saying.

Dear reader, reason within yourself. Is there a problem or situation that is bigger than God? The scripture says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Phil 4:13 - "with God all things are possible." Matt 19:26 - It is not us, it is God. Peter started sinking because he was focusing on the wind and the waves. If he had kept his eyes upon Jesus, fear would not have entered into his heart. That’s the problem. We are trying to stand. We are trying to fight our own battles. Then the bitter reality awakens our consciousness in accepting the fact that the present situation is more than we can handle. Fear kicks in, because when we plug-in personal effort into the equation of victory and do the math, the answer equals defeat. Immediately, we are overcome by fear, because we are not in control. Then the fear of death, the fear of bodily injury overshadows us. Our admonition dear reader is, “In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Prov.3:6.

Therefore, we exhibit the emotion of fear like Peter when we are trying to stand in our own strength. The Bible says, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear." 2 Tim. 1:7

Fear is not of God. However, some insist that fear is a normal everyday emotion of life, and this teaching of devils has gotten to the point where it is theorized and categorized.

It is wonderful how my Dad up there speaks to me when I least expect it. Thank You for telling me I'm not alone. I hear you, God. I know You're 100% real.
No more fear.

Suddenly Pastor Irene's voice is in my head too. "Perfect love knows no fear."
Should have went to WIN today, huh? I lost this time but I won't lose again.

I confess that I am afraid God, of what may come, my grades, my future - but help me know YOU are ultimately in control of everything, YOU control the seas and tides, YOU lift me above my fears and set my feet on solid ground, YOU will carry me.

I love you God, I love you Jesus. Thank You for today. Its crazy how again You speak to me. Amen.
I can almost hear You whispering and talking to me audibly. I can almost feel Your arms around me.

2011-05-26T14:21:00.002+08:00

I am so jealous of you right now.
:(
Sporty, pretty, probaby loves God more than I do.

Quick update

2011-05-24T05:26:00.001+08:00

Just doing up the GC blog. Today I crashed B's Public Speaking lecture and Mr Jeff Tan was the lecturer. Awkward~
Thus the sense of urgency. In case you don't check the time stamp its 5.14 AM now and I haven't caught a wink of sleep since the afternoon before at 12.24 PM when I woke up. I remember the time because I was late and class started at 1 PM!

I am quite tired but the guilt is keeping me from sleeping. The blog is far from complete, I still have to do up the design (many thanks to Jzp who has so kindly taken up my favour for a blog design) and edit the posts, as well as start on Day 7, edit Days 3 and 6, write out a profile, figure out how to categorize a photo album/photo space, all ASAP because the blog is long overdue.

This is just a quick update on my own blog, I need a break terribly or I promise I will go nuts.
I will regret not sleeping tomorrow, I have 2 lectures and 2 tutorials. Which reminds me - I haven't touched my tutorial yet... /sigh

SSM is not getting easier at all. Last week I glimpsed hell. I saw how the Top Table staff did their dry run and two girls cried. Although I'm not familiar with those two at all I felt like tearing up for them as well. I justify myself. In my whole 17 years of life I have seen no educator continuously jab his finger in one's face and say "its your fault. YOU caused them to fail. YOU caused all these problems" and things like that.

I'm not a kid, I know life is unfair and these things - they're all real, they're all circumstances that happen in the marketplace. It's just so... so... (can't place a word for it) '

I want to quit. I want to run away to somewhere peaceful until the semester is over. It is childish, but all of you are lying if you have never thought of this before. I am tired and I hate school.

I am in turbulent times. God, where is Your hand to calm the storms?

2011-05-19T00:46:00.003+08:00

Every time I have a bad day, I think to myself 'tomorrow is going to be a better day'.
But this whole month I've been thinking that and SCREW IT IT HASN'T GOT ANY BETTER.

Tired

2011-05-09T04:46:00.002+08:00

I don't need to rant but it has been a while since I updated so here goes a post. I'm still awake at this time because I took a long nap in the afternoon. I probably should have learnt by now that long naps = being unable to sleep at night.

I hate this semester already. It's more than just being pulled away from my dear Waratchaya Wataniyakun
:(

Yes, even that is already quite upsetting in itself.

But nowadays, I have no idea why but I'm constantly in this funk. I'm really tired, I can't do anything and I don't feel like doing anything. I don't even feel like going to church or to cell. That's how bad it is.
I have a feeling its because I'm not committing my life to the Lord. I feel like I'm just living for the sake of living and nothing else. Please pray for me :(

I skipped about 3 to 4 lectures the past 2 weeks. I really hate SSM and more than that I hate myself. I was late for the first day of boot camp and I got lashed at. Okay, I said to myself. I deserved it for being late.
The second Friday (which was just 2 days ago) I got up at 5.30 AM to get ready, I felt set to go. I paid $10 for a cab to school. When I'd arrived, I realised I didn't bring my tie and there wasn't enough time for me to go home and get the tie and still be on time, so I gave up and cabbed home. All the cab fare was wasted.
No bonus marks for me and I have to depend on other people for info regarding the proficiency test.

One day in school there was suddenly a task I didn't know about that was due an hour later. Thank God it turned out to be due the following week.

I really need to channel more strength and wisdom from the Father. I've been having a really bad month since May started and it feels like the period where I lost my iPhone all over again.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. - Matthew 6:33

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus - Philippians 4:6-7

Easter Sunday

2011-04-24T16:34:00.000+08:00

Uh huh. The moulding process, painful.

I want to run back to You.

HI I'm back

2011-04-18T07:30:00.000+08:00

I've been awake since about 4.50 AM in the morning. (hm, or was it 5?) Obviously I'm rather groggy and grumpy but I have to get my butt off the bed to finish the reflection journal. *sigh*

I've been working on posting on the Beijing trip but there's so many photos, it's unbelievably time consuming and it sucks the energy right out of you. And guess what? I'm only on Day 1. In Singapore. Since when have I become so inefficient?

Asian pride

2011-03-31T06:33:00.002+08:00

Pardon my schoolgirl naviety if I don't know the benefits of this, but okay, ranting begins.

I don't get why the angmohs like to come to Singapore and strut around like they own the place. I know I'm supposed to love others like God asked me to do but every time I think about it my blood rushes to my face and I get really quite pissed off.

It's probably not safe to talk about whether the higher ups treat them better, so I shan't talk about it.
But honestly, when I was working at Carrefour, 3/5 angmohs were just plain nasty. 1/5 was demanding and imposing, in that passive-aggressive manner, just like how all the Dead Sea or Jericho sales people do it. Right? They saunter up and test their product on you, then somehow when you say no they like buey song or something. Seriously?

Of course I'll be nice to any angmoh I meet but given a choice I don't want to meet them at all. Cos most of them look down on us Asians just like the sad truth of how we look down on the pinoys and the construction workers?
Now you know how they feel.
With all due respect I salute the construction workers working hard and all the foreign workers here, including the sickening stuck up angmohs.
But the maids - my uncle, Shanice Jie, all their domestic workers I honestly thought was decent, all ended up kind of sucky. One stole money, the other lied to quit the job. Don't want to work just say lah!
They just keep disappointing me with the stories, again and again, till I don't wish to believe there's a good somewhere in there anymore.

Run back to your country and stop bothering us until you learn how to be a decent person.

frustration at its best

2011-03-25T22:39:00.001+08:00

must be saying something.

thoughts.

2011-03-25T02:57:00.003+08:00

I was doing my usual stalking routine (blogs and everything) and you guessed it, I am now motivated to blog.

Okay let y'all know something interesting okay. I learnt conflict management in OB in school and there are 5 basic methods to deal with conflict. And I realised through the past few days that I adopt a distinct method of dealing with issues with my life. Wanna hazard a guess? No? Okay lah its avoidance.

It is definitely not the best method. Not at all and I know it.
Me, I hate putting myself in the battlefield. So I think of myself as an ostrich - just bury my head under the ground, I see nothing, I hear nothing, so nothing is wrong. But the reality is that there is something wrong, there is something I need to deal with. Usually because it scares me, or it will hurt the other parties involved I choose not to do it any other way but to avoid the whole thing.
Its just like how when I don't do my homework and the teacher is going to send those who don't out of the class/give punishment, I wish I could dig a hole in the ground and hide. Same thing.

But I don't think I can live like that anymore. For some things, yes. But I have to start standing up and telling the truth about what I feel, about what I think. Because I know the consequences of the method I am comfortable with is probably worse than if I had just said what I needed to say.

But oh, stubborn me. It's so hard, and my heart is timid. Not a nice thing, but I think I want to acknowledge this flaw and remind myself of how I should really handle things.

2011-03-19T14:23:00.000+08:00

There it is. the twinge of annoyance. I know people don't mean it like what I interpret it as, maybe its just the fact that I'm on my period now, or perhaps its just me.

I can't help but feel that slight irritation somewhere. But thank goodness after a while it would go away. I really must up my patience.

God is good.

2011-03-17T20:15:00.001+08:00

For results, please go to my alternative blog @ http://www.oneflower.wordpress.com/

Irregular

2011-03-16T00:02:00.001+08:00

Actually I didn't really know what to blog about (LOL) and I googled 'things to blog about' but the search turned out useless. Meh. Didn't want to bore you by sharing what I've learnt in GC (all the ethical issues and globalisation, interdependency... well you get the drift) so I have no idea what to post...

But here's a shoutout to Jana! Nice to know you read my blog, I am very flattered, thank you. :) Okay so right after I saw your tag I was motivated to post, but then I realised my life is really boring right now so I have nothing to update. But I will make a commitment to post whenever I have something remotely entertaining okay!

This week GC classes just started and yes, I am liking the experience a fair bit. It is definitely different from the usual subjects. This friday we're going on a local field trip to Little India so perhaps then I might have photos to post up... stay tuned.

Heartache.

2011-03-01T23:36:00.000+08:00

I wiped the warm cascading tears away with my left hand and said repeatedly in a ragged breath "one day you will come to understand..."

Light in tough times

2011-03-01T04:35:00.000+08:00

OB is taking the life out of me. This is not an understatement. I will officially be awake for 24 hours without even trying thanks to this subject. And this is significant because I have tried to tank for a full day (failing, of course) but now that I don't need this its happening.

Its an ungodly time now and I am still blogging. well, I turned on the computer for academic reasons but for the sake of staying sane I will blog. I have 3 more topics to go and less than 3 hours to go. God bless me in every way...
I am hungry, grumpy, tired and fed up with exams. And this is only the second one. Fortunately, also the last.

I am mentally prepared for the painful wincing and grumbling and regret to wash over me when I see my results.
But then again, I will slap myself for thinking this way because faith so small like a mustard seed can move mountains. What is an OB paper?

So, indeed. I will have faith that everything will come back to me 5 hours later in the exam room and that God will sit there with me and let me recall all the answers.

Updates (finally)

2011-02-23T12:33:00.001+08:00

I have made up my mind and I pray that my timetable next semester will not be crappy. Best yet, give me a flexible one so I can work. I really need the money.

I have some debts to clear, overseas trips to fund and just paying for transport might be hard. But honestly, though this whole issue makes my hair sort of frizz just thinking about it, I don't worry because God is our Jehovah Jireh. Thank God for good sisters and friends who are understanding and would help me no matter what.

I cannot wait for the Beijing trip, because finally I'd get to spend some much needed time with Jing (I miss you girl!) and also finally get my butt out of Singapore. I also can't wait for Australia (the compulsory course trip, but if I even get to go there remains to be seen) but anticipation aside, the cash needed to pay for it remains an issue that lies heavily at the back of my mind and burdens my heart. I do realise that all these school trips are going to burn a huge hole in my parents' pocket, and I hate to make them even more tired out, working their lives away for the sake of us three. It cuts my heart to see them like this everyday and they smile and all but they can't fool me. I see through all of that.

Thus the need to work. I am trying harder to do more house chores like the laundry and keeping the house tidy and I'm proud to say I'm a great mediator for when the two younger ones fight.
I'm not trying to sound noble and filial or gain anyone's sympathy. I just wanted whoever to read this to know how much my parents are doing for me and how much your own parents love you too.

It makes me think: If our earthly parents who are imperfect would pour out so much love on us, how much more do you think our Creator, our Heavenly Father, would? It just astounds me.

I really hope the timetable next sem is not crappy. And I believe I can do this. It's always going to be okay, and I know it.

Huh? Already?

2011-02-18T10:38:00.000+08:00

I can't believe its our last day together as a class already. It doesn't feel like a year at all!
I don't want to change classes (never someone who likes change - which is a bad thing) because I am afraid I cannot get along with the people in my new class and oh, the horror - what if they can't handle my work style of if I can't handle theirs?
I probably should get used to it right.

the love of money is the root of all evil

2011-02-15T01:21:00.000+08:00

I'm really selfish. And blind and ignorant. of the troubles of this world, of the troubles of my parents. they bravely show me they're okay but y'know I wish they'd just share some of that burden with me.
They could just say "I'm strapped" or something.... there wasn't a need to have to give in to my requests.
but thank God for my parents, and thank God for letting me go for the trip.

Anyway, nowadays I have become exceedingly demanding in everything and I know I shouldn't. I should never feel that way, should never ask for so much, should never have allowed myself to give my heart a chance either.

Update

2011-02-11T02:32:00.000+08:00

Blogs. If they're not humorous, informative or controversial, they're boring. Sad truth. My life does not exist any controversy that I should disclose here. I would then assume the number of readers going down to near zilch. It has never changed, and never will.

Selling yourself online for the sake of higher hits is cheap.

If you care, I was having a really really really crappy week. Scratch that, I had a horrible month. I hope next month would be better, and if it doesn't it probably would at some point, right?
I've been caught up in a flurry of activity these days, what with the semester ending. I couldn't believe one year in my poly life is less than 3 months away... It barely feels like more than 3 months since I've been in school. I've met so many people that have amazed me and taught me stuff. Learnt a lot about the way things work as well.

I have 3 more minutes to type out something remotely interesting to engage your attention, but unfortunately I can't think of anything, sorry.
Can't wait to go to Beijing for Global Citizenship with Jing. Wish Shin was going too... what a blast it would have been...
Time is so precious. So so so precious. I want time to go faster, so I can quickly support my parents, yet I want to bask in this youth that is slowly slipping away from my hands...

This has been a really boring post, huh?

2011-01-31T13:31:00.002+08:00

I honestly thought about hurting you but then I decided that you aren't worth ruining my future for.
KMA

ECONS TEACHER

2011-01-31T12:55:00.000+08:00

Pissed doesn't even begin to describe my feelings toward you. In fact, I'd so much like to maim you.
You should be proud of yourself because it takes a lot for me to dislike a teacher.

But in fact you are so... so... YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY!!!
Man I'm holding all the swear words in, really holding them in. I have so many nasty thoughts running through my head, such as how sweet it would be if I sucker punch you in the face, give you a great kick in the stomach...

You are possibly my most disliked person on the whole face of then Earth right now.

2011-01-31T02:30:00.002+08:00

I don't quite understand people sometimes.
But then again, I think this state is kinda good for me.

God's love

2011-01-30T04:25:00.002+08:00

God, I love You.
I thank You for Your love...
Sometimes, I want to cry because its amazing how much You love me. Thank You God.

Your love - boundless, patient, endless, eternal.
I am completely unworthy, but...

"You see the depths of my heart, and You love me the same," - Indescribable, Chris Tomlin
Indeed, God... You are indescribable and amazing.

Fat?

2011-01-29T14:20:00.000+08:00

Okay I'm not those kind of girls that whine about being fat when they are obviously NOT. Really! But I put on a lot of weight compared to last time and seriously, I'm not very skinny. I'm not very fat either but I'm leaning to the big-boned side.

2011-01-28T01:15:00.000+08:00

Why is it that P6 math is so difficult? I don't mean to make myself sound very stupid but I can't even solve their math question.

2011-01-23T18:56:00.003+08:00

If its possible, please let this pain be mine and God's alone.

2011-01-20T14:25:00.000+08:00

Why won't you return it to me?
Why....

My knee hurts, and my heart aches. God, please...

2011-01-20T12:39:00.000+08:00

I lost all my appetite (good, cos' I'll grow skinnier.) and I don't have the mood to do anything else.
I can't sleep at night, and even if I do I wake up feeling scared.
Whatever I do it reminds me constantly that I have lost my iPhone. I usually play music in the shower...using my phone. I tweet in the bus... using my phone. I text and call my classmates or friends, but now its completely...
I really don't know what to do.
Everytime someone mentions iPhone I feel like crying.
Its not about losing the phone. Its about how I'm going to face my parents.
I don't want to see their disappointed faces again. Like I'm not enough of a financial burden, wanting to go to this place and that.

How did it happen?

2011-01-19T20:58:00.001+08:00

"And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? If our God is with us, then what could stand against?"
- Chris Tomlin

Truly. James 5:13-16 says that a believing person prays, great things happen. Please Lord, let me have the faith that moves mountains. It will all be okay and I know it. Because You are God. I commit everything into Your hands.

You are greater than anything or anyone else. Awesome in power.
You are my Healer, my Redeemer and the One who loves me more than anyone else.
Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He'll make your paths straight. I believe in that. I am a believer.

what's with the hype

2011-01-18T14:20:00.000+08:00

Horoscopes are too general to be believed. Sometimes, even your own horoscope does not tally with what you are going through. Go read every horoscope. You'll find something in everyone that matches you somehow. I could say "Today is your lucky day. You will reconnect with a friend blah blah blah" and does that make a me a astrologer? Its all in the mind!

Rant

2011-01-16T17:21:00.001+08:00

You must absolutely remember no one is at fault. Either that, or everyone is.

Jap?

2011-01-16T03:35:00.000+08:00

You know, I'm not a person who's okay with everything. I'm not. I'd like to be, but I'm not. I'm still working towards it, but I'm not there yet.
And I've only known you for a while, worked with you a little, but its enough. I hate to confess but I get really annoyed quite easily. Because I have this whole projection error going on for me.

You piss me off.

But then I saw you smile at me at tutorial that day and that was enough. I erased everything.
I will not complain about it anymore, even though I just know that feeling will come back when I think you're being a little bit rude or a little bit too... I don't know what's the word for it - the whole go-do-it-yourself-duh-didn't-you-know-that-sigh-you-guys-are-so-BELOW-me-its-wasting-my-time-why-are-you-being-so-irresponsible kinda thing.
Maybe I'm just on a different frequency, maybe you didn't mean it that way, but it is for me. I don't expect you to change but honestly, I'm waiting for the whole project to be over so I don't have to work with you anymore. Sorry.

God, thank You for putting this challenge in front of me. Thank You for teaching me how to grow in the fruits of the Spirit.

I can't say I did very well, because I still sinned because of the angry thoughts that immediately popped up in my head, but really thank God they didn't show.

Teach me more.

2011-01-14T17:32:00.000+08:00

I know I haven't blogged in a million years.
I have nothing to blog about anyway. Sorry. I don't own a DSLR or a digital camera, or go to cool places where I can take photos.

But its just an update...
I feel like slapping myself sometimes. I really don't know how to be thankful for what I have. I should really thank God for bringing me to wherever I am and not ask for more, because its all in His hand. Why am I even fighting it? Why do I not trust enough?
Obviously, I need to learn how to praise Him in my storms. My personal storms. Sometimes so utterly ridiculous and redundant they should never be called storms. More like a personal battle.
But its wonderful that I can hear Him, because right after I feel so-and-so He would reassure me.
How nice...

Grow in love, grow in love, grow in love.

Long time right.

2011-01-12T23:24:00.000+08:00

Be prepared. That's all I'm hearing.

Trying to be prepared... all these feelings I'm fighting against >:(

2011-01-07T01:26:00.002+08:00

Leave me alone.

No....

What exactly do I want?

2011-01-06T23:22:00.001+08:00

I should be ashamed of myself.

2010-12-12T01:39:00.000+08:00

200th post... I was singing Our God - Chris Tomlin (really loudly I think) and I woke my grandma up. She scared me by tapping me and then saying I was too loud. Oh well. :(

2010-12-04T18:21:00.002+08:00

I tried to sing How Great Is Our God but my voice kept cracking. LOL
I have this great urge to cross dress as a guy for one day. I want to see me guy version. Is that wrong?

I like reading SNAM's blog. Not for good reasons, I'm afraid to admit. Its just that SNAM's blog is full of... I don't know. Hate and self-love. Seriously. I don't think I should judge but its getting to me.

2010-12-04T13:03:00.001+08:00

I have way too many things to do and I really would have to begin.
Starting now, I guess. Man, this is hard.

\SUCK

2010-11-28T20:39:00.002+08:00

My throat has gone tight.
I feel terrible having all these feelings, but I pray I pray I truly pray God grants me the strength to grow in the fruits of the Spirit - especially patience and love.

Scarring.

2010-11-27T15:17:00.000+08:00

It's all those voices in my head that makes me think it's something but its not.

I'm sorry I cannot forget or forgive that easily...

Its not you, its me. It is my own guilty conscience talking, but I shall not show you. And even if it is true, I think I am soon reaching a point where I cease to care.

2010-11-24T11:35:00.002+08:00

You know I could be like a third party observing the whole thing and I still feel her pain.

Picture spam!

2010-11-19T21:22:00.002+08:00

1. Emo shot, but I love the hair I love the hair, LOVE it.

2. just to show you the sides and how it's done...

3. acting cute

4. Advertising for G-shock 1

5. Advertising for G-shock 2

6. Advertising for G-shock 3

7. About to punch someone's face.

You guys only visit blogs with many pictures, because they speak a thousand words. pfft.

No more visiting for quality huh?

8. Advertising for G-shock 3 and pink bra strap spotted

9. Rabbit

10. I just can't get over the chio hair. HAHA SORRY SELF-PRAISE *paiseh*

11. This shot not very nice cos my face is too round. Oh well, at least I tried.

12. :)

13. My face looks smaller like that

14. Haha its fun

17. I really like this one lah. I don't know why. I like my hair! (can't get over it yet)

18. I wonder what I was looking at at that time.

19. ;)

20. The "are you sure" face

21. If not for my awkward hand, this picture would have been perfect lah.

22. see.

23. this is how I look like when I say I *narrow eyes*

26. Want fight ah.

30. As you noticed, I am trying to act chio.

33. I like how angry I look. I hope it intimidates you.

38. Why am I wearing the watch....?

41. I like this one also AHHHH

Tada I hope you're happy now :) Don't owe you anything for a while ah.
I want to upload more on Facebook.... can you please pretty please tell me which one you like? Because what I think is pretty may not be pretty so... :D
PLUS, only my readers get to see these pix haha! (even though its a public blog, what am I saying.) But not say I go advertise or what mah. How is anyone supposed to know?

P.S. I know I removed no.36

I don't need a justification... it's already over.

2010-11-18T23:55:00.005+08:00

I hate that I feel like this.
And this is what makes Job wonderfully blameless as a man of God, unlike me, and I'm sorry I feel like this.

I hate that I'm having these childish and foolish emotions and I hate that I allow myself to let the whole world know. I hate that I am too much of a coward to let you all know how shitty I feel.

Forget it. Its just that our timetables changed.

2010-11-16T10:45:00.004+08:00

I'm getting ready for GTT class at 11. I am still at home.

Haha, the wonders of e-learning. Although the forum needs a little bit of shaping up because its so slow but I don't care because I get to stay at home and that is the most awesome thing ever.
I'm still in my sleeping clothes and stuff like that, its great!
:)

///edit

Guess what!
Turns out my online class is cancelled, technically speaking I would not have school today woohoo! If not for that stupid make up lesson from 6-8PM for comm skills 2. /sigh
check out my friends raging on twitter. LOL

2010-11-16T01:49:00.000+08:00

Okay, I will blog (again) even though I don't have anything to say. It's 1.42AM now and I am very tired but because of my readers (the numbers I can count with both hands) I will stay up for a while longer and blog.
Right so school has started and I don't mean to sound whiny but I really think I dislike some of the subjects already. This is bad, right? Because if you don't like the subject generally you can't do well. But oh I'll try my best, really.

----
Okay, my grandma just came out for her routine, daily 1.45AM pee and of course, she asked me to go and sleep and the usual blah blah blah so I got to make this really quick.

what I was pigging out on because I felt hungry already. Ah, guilty.

yeah me and my cui hair and buang face hahaha standard

I will update (again) when I'm not so washed out, everyone. Goodnight.

Update

2010-11-12T09:05:00.000+08:00

There's a novelty in blogging from school computers. It must have been passed down from secondary school. Like, because it is impossible to blog during school time in secondary school, right? But TADA here I am blogging during school time! Which seems cool.

Haha, I am just tired. I regret sleeping late, really. Now I remember why I don't stay up anymore. The whole productivity decreases by 70% thing. It SO applies to me. I think I slept at 3? And I woke up late, but I still managed to chiong to school. Wow thank God I live near TP.

I keep farting nowadays hahah. Nothing has changed about that. I'm so stoned haiya.
Okay, when I have something remotely interesting to blog about, I'll update with another post. IF it is even lengthy enough to be a post.
But you all know my powers of crapping something out right? Like in this post?

2010-11-12T00:26:00.001+08:00

I have one purpose.
To love God with all my heart.
Where I find wisdom, I find God.

Endless stretch of wheat field

2010-11-10T00:30:00.000+08:00

Christian is like an awesome rapper lah. I heard him rapping to Jiale playing Love The Way You Lie by Rihanna ft. Eminem on guitar and now I can't stop listening to the song. He has talent!!!
2 days to miniskirt day. I'm so nervous! Grandma said its inappropriate for school but... it looks great! No, really! My thighs aren't toned and perfect but it looks okay! (laughs) No lah, I have so many skirts that I have yet to wear. I'm starting Thursday!
I have no idea that I am beginning to be more superficial and concerned about what I was wearing. Is this growing up?!

Happy Birthday to my beautiful cousin, who is officially 18 and legal for many things. <3

I am truly blessed by many sisters who love me immensely and I love them as well. I love that we help each other grow.

And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice

2010-11-08T22:54:00.000+08:00

I knew it. I am not a person to emo for long, my emotions are so volatile haiya.

My scarf came! :D /grins from ear to ear

I am deeply touched by Raptor. Thank you for your encouraging comments... God bless!

FED UP MAX

2010-11-07T18:24:00.003+08:00

I am insanely grumpy now. You can just choose not to read this post, whatever. I'm sorry I need to rant.
Everything is going wrong. Murphy's Law? The best thing that can happen now is my Internet going nuts on me.

Firstly, what's up with OLIVE and Chrome man. They made me try so many times, I get fed up really easily and because this concerned my grades I got flustered. Fortunately there was dear Pan on Twitter to give me some good advice and help me. If not for her I would have just... I don't know what I would have done, but thank God for friends like her.

Then there's just this whole bad mood surrounding me. I don't know why I'm extra grumpy. Maybe its because its that time of the month but I hate going around blasting people's head off. I hate when I go loco on my sister and feel guilty after because I haven't been patient and just start screaming. Patience is definitely a fruit of the Spirit that I have yet to attain, I need to grow in patience and love.

You know what else sucks? It's raining. yes you saw right. I hate that its raining now. I know you know that I love the rain more than I love sunny days (if you didn't know then you do now). But because I'm caught up in this funk and it's raining I hate it. I wish I was in a good mood and its raining. Then its perfect because I love it when it rains.
But perhaps God sends the rain whenever I am in a bad mood to calm me down and make the place more serene so I can think straight since He knows I like it so much. I can't help thinking that when I'm in a bad mood, it would rain though. /sad
It is just dismal to see when it rains, it means 'Grace is in a bad mood'. What. And I love the rain. see the freaking irony.

To add to that, as I was typing this post, my grandma grilled me for misplacing her cordless phone. To add to my grumpiness. I am just speechless and heavy-hearted and everything that none of you can make it better.
FUCK

I'm sorry. I'm sorry God. I'm sorry everyone I told I wouldn't hurl a vulgarity. I refuse to remove what I typed because it is already thought of, already typed, if I delete its like refusing to admit that I've sinned. I will repent. Will you forgive me?
/sigh

You know, I've been asking God for some direction, I bet you have been too. Since it has turned out this way, I think this is His answer. Because you and I know its never going to work out. Our ideals and principles and the thought process is just entirely different.
Don't go all emo and everything. And don't threaten me.
It is NOT going to happen. Both of us are tired already. I know deep inside you think its all my fault. I admit the responsibility for being busy.
I don't want to pick up your calls or talk to you.
If you can't accept my circumstances, you can't accept me.

It's like I'm trying to be so many things at once, and I can't do it. And I know I can be nasty and spiteful and act impulsively and selfishly.
It's just... aiya. I don't know what to say also.
Plus this is the totally wrong avenue to tell my problems to lah.

Video #... I lost count

2010-11-04T09:28:00.001+08:00

Tada! One for today.
A poem I found and really liked:

Love Poem for an Enemy
BY RICHARD KATROVAS
Love Poem for an Enemy

BY RICHARD KATROVAS

I, as sinned against as sinning,
take small pleasure from the winning
of our decades-long guerrilla war.
For from my job I've wanted more
than victory over one who'd tried
to punish me before he died,
and now, neither of us dead,
we haunt these halls in constant dread
of drifting past the other's life
while long-term memory is rife
with slights that sting like paper cuts.
We've occupied our separate ruts
yet simmered in a single rage.
We've grown absurd in middle age
together, and should seek wisdom now
together, by ending this row.
I therefore decommission you
as constant flagship of my rue.
Below the threshold of my hate
you now my good regard may rate.
For I have let my anger pass.
But, while you're down there, kiss my ass.

2010-10-19T14:03:00.001+08:00

Hi everyone, this post is grossly overdue, its pictures this time, videos the next!

Robin... -.-

Fortunately for him, he has no boogers.

Finally the ugly me is in the picture!

Awww Shin. LUVVVV

Finally... finally.... *teary*

Expensive SKII mask that Ruth has so generously let me use.... Its worth SGD 21 per mask....

I let you laugh and thus end this post off!
^^

2010-10-18T00:01:00.000+08:00

Found some of my old compositions. Have a challenge to post to myself...
I have a tagboard now, all of you are free to request for me to write an essay based on a topic you give me. Then you can grade me via comment and I'll put it up on the post.
SOUNDS FUN RIGHT?!
sorry, I just miss writing essays.
(narratives only please, the rest are boring.)

e.g. Grace can you write a topic on like an old man in an old folks' home?
haha i know so boring.

PS NO SEXUAL TOPIC PLS, I DONT ENTERTAIN U.

2010-10-07T00:49:00.000+08:00

/sigh
When will this end?

video next post, sorry

2010-10-04T22:50:00.000+08:00

I am like *this* close to using the F-word and trust me, its running in my mind.
My siblings are so immature and childish and annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And noisy! What with all the crying... can't an older sister have some peace around here anymore? :(
STOP CRYING PLEASE I FEEL LIKE SLAPPING YOU NOW !@%!*(&)!*)#$(*^$*(!*_*(#)!^&

And Jane! stop being so annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!

control, deep breaths/

HAPPY THOUGHTS.....

speaking of happy thoughts, I like the new wallet I just bought for only $12.90!

Cos' it hurts me to see you this way

2010-09-28T23:07:00.000+08:00

I hope you see this.
Hating is tiring and painful. I know you hate me, but it tells me that you still care enough to. Because you are both my enemy and my neighbour, I love you. It is as commanded of me, but its not because of that mostly - you used to be my friend. Like she said, its such a shame.

I've gained the 2 most important girlfriends in my life through hate and jealousy. I wonder if your story will be the same. I'll hold on to these 2 girls forever! (J&S, you know. Doubt you read my blog though :( )

"Let me be your shelter, my friend" - Shelter, Corrinne May

2010-09-28T15:09:00.000+08:00

Am I making a mistake not joining the certificate program? :(
But I want to have the freedom to choose my CDS, plus I already signed up for VT CDS.
AHHHHHH WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!

It's here lah.

2010-09-26T02:51:00.000+08:00

I read the posts I made when I reigned as VP in the TPSC blog. I kinda liked that authority.

Another semester gone, is like another semester I've grown.

2010-09-24T14:21:00.005+08:00

Examinations are very emotional. It starts with the frustration, despair, desperation before exams, where we mug and commit our texts to heart, in hope for satisfactory results. Then dread also comes in before the exams if the studying is insufficient. The same feelings pre-exam to post-exam, where we gnash our teeth in agony when realising that we made a very silly or careless mistake. Then the fearful anticipation or expectation, apprehension and terror filling hearts. Heart beat picks up an amazing speed. (mine... doki doki) Nervous. Sweaty palms and cold feet. (maybe that's just me)
After the results, its a total riot. A complete riot of emotions that is. Those that gained acceptable/satisfactory/stellar results, needless to say, would feel euphoric.
Ah, then those not as well-off. So much experience.
Pain, jealousy, agony, regret, disappointment, sadness, bitterness, fear, exasperation and anger are just a few.
Singaporeans like to compare, like me. Especially me. Society - constantly comparing, implying all the time that trying is simply not enough. You have to try and do well. No glory at all if you're stupid. If you're not great academically you're like a lesser being than someone who has straight As.
That's not true at all but we can't help it.

I was smsing my results to my Jie(s) and Kor and the encouragement just makes me wanna cry. See, another emotion. Also, I feel sad for people who didn't do as well as they would like to. Not pity. Dear me no. More like I understand because I've been there and I still am there (kinda). So I really wanna pray for their healing, and for mine as well. I want and need to be more sensitive to them and I want to like, be there for all my friends to soar high together.

But in all these I learnt that we should not compare. Trying your best is enough. Accept it, let it go, move on. But I know.... being the Grace I am - will not heed this and post another emo post next sem. so look forward to it. (haha!)
More importantly...

Thank God. Because this is planned.

Truly. Amen.

2010-09-23T10:34:00.001+08:00

Liang court. Clarke quay. Botejyu.

Already the second post of the day? Seriously?

2010-09-22T13:15:00.000+08:00

Hah, I had sufficient sleep but my eyebags are still like that. Maybe its not how long you sleep, it's how early you sleep. Yeah, that should be it. If not my eyebags should have been better ages ago.
okay, I'm off to bathe. Will post a pic post-bath because I'm vain and I want to erase the image you have of me above, which is totally unflattering. *naked truth*

imba max happy because my skin is so much better! see! okay lah this pic also not very chio but just wanted to share the joy.

okay tada! after blowdrying. so much better! :D
i gtg nao, ciao xoxo

You're my special, one and only.

2010-09-22T12:03:00.000+08:00

I am madly in love with Justin Bieber's Favourite Girl. It's so catchy!
What does that mean?

Lockdown.

2010-09-21T23:48:00.001+08:00

Seriously want to deactivate my Facebook, I saw so many beautiful people today :(
What's unbelievable is that they're all my friends on FB!

Ohkay. I am so lazy to make a vlog nowadays. Nah, just kidding. Its just that I have nothing to vlog about!!
Tsk tsk tsk.
Heels will keel me srsly. Okay I know my blog is very boring plus I update irregularly (like mangas). Tomorrow is the first day I start work!!! Really don't know what to expect/feel.

Now playing: What you waiting for - Mizz Nina ft. Colby O' Donis

sigh

2010-09-20T22:34:00.001+08:00

Today is a day where I shouldn't have woken up. Where's the drowsiness when I need it?

I wish I were you. Or a mixture of you, you, and you. Your face, and your body, your smile, your character, your athletics, your speech even. All different kinds of you(s). I will never be contented with who I am because its always not even close enough. Close enough to what is required to survive in this world. I always make stupid mistakes and pay heavily for them.
But all these... enough? I want to be Job.
What's the point anyway? In all these? Cos' when I go up all that mattered now will not matter later.
I've reached some place where I cease to argue who is right, because automatically it will come back to me.

You know your relationships with people in your lives sorta defines your relationship with God. I have so many different relationships now. I realise how out-of-touch I've been now. And He's still loving me, its amazing.
Amazing.

I want to hide in a cave and never come out.
No wait, I want to sleep and not wake up. Why not wake me up when September ends? *music plays* haha

2010-09-20T11:15:00.001+08:00

Hi everyone, I feel like doing a vlog but I don't know what to say... :(

MOTIVATION HYA

2010-09-18T23:22:00.000+08:00

I posted 3 times in a day. I am amazing. So let me tell you what I did today... I did 4 things:
1. Read manga
2. Sleep
3. Facebook and Twitter
4. Blog

Obviously, I have no life. Now I'm not going to be able to sleep because I can't! I just had like 5 hours of sleep?!
So anyway I am posting this to motivate myself to save for... you guessed it... A PS3 SLIM!!!!!!
Sorry Ruth dear I decided to give up on the limited editions and buy a sticker or something instead. *sigh*

ME AGAIN LOLZ/

2010-09-18T15:10:00.000+08:00

Seriously. I should quit complaining I'm bored... cos' I'm half enjoying the freedom and half wishing that I had something to do. Okay, maybe more 70% glad I have time to myself. TOAST TO LIFE WITHOUT IMPLICATIONS!

Clothes clearance

2010-09-18T05:16:00.003+08:00

Might as well take the chance to blog. Its 5:14 AM now... I've been awake since 3:?? I think. I got woken up by this horrible itching at my collarbone and I kept scratching it till it turned red and nasty.

So I was really eggcited because I cleaned out my cupboard and decided to sort it out properly. I took a few pictures in some clothes because I am very vain. HAHA.

Was contemplating whther I should give it away and I decided to because it didn't seem to hang right when I looked in the mirror. Looks fine here, though... right?

So grandma bought this shirt for me. Its quite translucent as you can see so I don't wear it, but I can't give/throw it away :)

This skirt is REALLY short, trust me. See how high up it is... Its practically up my thigh. My thighs!!!!! >:(

This is around 70% of the clothes sorted, packed and everything into piles.

It took me two days. This is the second morning after I got up.

Yeah my wardrobe. Those hanging are my going out clothes. Far left in the bg are my at home tops/night dresses, far left foreground are my sportswear (fbt!) in the center are the tops which are nice enough to wear out but comfy enough to wear at home too. (Like normal tees and stuff) and far right are my strictly-at-home shorts (cos some are just ridiculous to wear out).

Jane's clothes... (ended up in my closet, or I decided to pass them to her cos too small or whatever for me.)

Yep, I originally made a video, but looks and sounds stupid introducing my clothes so... Anyway this is the not-yet-sorted pile, ended up to be Chris's and Jane's.

Mum's clothes that somehow ended up in my closet

My IDK-what-to-do-with-it-pile

Was talking on the video

This part is really egg-citing haha to me anyway.

Guess who?

uh-huh. My arms are huge, and I look like a slut.

Gomenasai, mina-san. I had nothing else to blog about...